Lose the Dress...Keep the Shoes

This one actually pains me...and I am really hoping that it is just a super bad angle. Bad Photographer! Its fair to note that doing press for a movie, such as 'Eclipse' that you are going to need a few outfits.  And somewhere down the line you are bound to miss a step.  I will admit, I don't always leave my house 100% satisfied with my attire. And it bothers me more than I would like.  But Ashley Greene...what happened?

This Donna Karen lace dress adds about 50 pounds onto her in all the wrong areas.  Not flattering at all about this dress and I am not sure who to blame:

• Donna Karen
• Ashley Greene and/or her stylist
• Photographer that took the picture
• Black Dresses in general
• Those darn wolves

Hmmm...how to save the outfit?

Hopefully its the angle, but if not...I would try and tighten the bust area first off.  Ashley is not that top heavy.  I would tear off the bottom tier of the dress, its entirely too long for her 5'5" frame.   And maybe move the bow to the back?  I know it needs to be sintched, but I think there might be way too much going on. 

Giving Ashley and her stylist (if used) the benefit of the doubt, I would say keep the dress and take it to get altered ASAP.  I mean even in baseball, your likely to strike out now and then....we will call this one Strike 3 Ashley.  Better luck next time!

Walk of Shame

I understand on a casual weekend day, I may not leave the house in the best condition.  Sometimes my hair might be messy, or my t-shirt a little wrinkled, heck I may go to get a pedicure with little stubby ankle  hair. (Hey man, I have long legs, that is a lot of leg to shave and you know you have done it too.)  

However, I am not Britney Spears, who even though I think her dad might still be managing her money, has WAY more than I will ever have in a lifetime...maybe 10 lifetimes.  She couldn't afford a little bit better of a casual outfit than this?  Is she having trouble picking a season?  I mean summer dress or winter flannel?  This picture was taken yesterday in Los Angeles, so not really a need for the Seattle staple. I would rather be cold than try and blend these two, very different looks together. They say love is blind, so her boyfriend (sorry don't really care to know his name) must be really in AMOR.

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I suppose these pieces separate are fine.  I would say if your cold Britney, maybe throw on some jeans.  You could probably tuck in the dress and blouse it up to look like a top.  Maybe then you can remove the flannel.  It does seem like a sunny day behind you-and I know June is not really flannel season.  If your dead set on the flannel, at least pick something underneath it that matches...a thermal body suit?

This outfit ranks with the likes of mini skirts and uggs...you know who you are!  Obviously no stylist was required Brit, you picked this winner out on your own.  So congrats to you-you saved a few bucks.  I would say take the flannel, throw it in a empty trashcan nearby, BURN it and maybe it will warm you up enough wear only the dress. 

Please Will, Don't Hurt the Children

You know when your watching news or something about children and someone comes on and says, "I blame the parents?"  Well... do I really have to say it?  In this case, I have to blame the parents.  If this is Hollywood royalty, I want no part of it.

Jada Pinkett Smith....sorry, I would say I am speechless, but when am I ever speechless?  So nice family outing to the BET awards, turns drastically bad.  I will leave the kids alone, if not simply due to all the children's laws out there (that means you Perez).  But I thought I should at least share this lovely family portrait...wait, where is Will?

What is it with women in Hollywood forgetting their pants these days?  I guess the theory of forget pants-must remember tuxedo jacket takes effect here. Her top is for, all intensive purposes, a leotard.  I do not see parallel bars or a balance beam anywhere.  Did she use this outfit to break out of jail?  Because that is where this outfit belongs. 

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Well its not too hard...add pants, a skirt, shorts, skorts...heck I would even support those old-skool  MC Hammer pants.  Again, the kids I will leave alone...to protect the innocent.

Enough said, I think I have been very clear how I feel about this ensemble.  Again, where is Will?  He is probably at home burning all their clothes, so they wont show up in public again looking like this.  Go home, see your dad/husband, remove clothes and watch them all BURN!!! 

P.S.  Smith family, ff you did hire a Stylist (which I don't think you did)...do not let them near your children EVER AGAIN.

Should of stayed with the Scrunchie

I have in the past been accused of being jealous of one, Stacy Ferguson.  You may not know who I am speaking of, so I attached a picture of her for your convenience.  I know, how could I ever think poorly of  this cute lil blue-eyed blond girl, who used to be on 'Kids Incorporated'.  Which if I remember correctly, that was like the step down from the 'The`Mouse Club' right?  But now she is all growns up and we now know her, (thanks Black Eyes Peas) as Fergie. Or as we call her in my neck of the woods, "But-her-face." 

Yes, she is married to Josh Duhamel, which may bother me a bit. And yes, Josh Duhamel is HOT.  And yes, I keep calling Josh Duhamel by his full name.  But in this outfit she tried to rock at the BET Awards last weekend, Fergie doesn't even deserve a full name.  Josh did not attend the awards show, but in all fairness, would you go with her in that outfit?

I think she was trying to go for a tuxedo look.  She failed.  The front, although very short, not even half as bad as the back, which is why it was the main focus.  For someone with a "tush,"  not always the best thing to accentuate it with two black pieces of fabric.  And what's with the point coming down in the back?  Kinda reminds me of utters for some reason.

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Well I like her shoes, so that is one thing she has going for her in a long list of issues.  If she wanted a short dress, which judging by the front she was not concerned about covering anything up, she should of stuck with that.  I would dye the whole thing black and even out the whole skirt, so its all one length. Or even better, remove the bottom half, looks like two pieces anyways and throw on a different mini skirt.  But make sure you have the same shade of black Fergie, I don't want you on this list again.

Little Stacy Ferguson, what happened? I understand you were trying to earn some sort of street cred, but this was not the outfit to try and prove you belong in the Peas.  Remove the outfit and BURN immediately!

Keep the shoes.

 

Time to Walk the Plank Ladies

I started watching soaps when I was little, like maybe four years old little, thanks Mom.  In fact, I changed my Barbie and Ken's names to Tina and Cord (One Life to Live) and I maintain that is the real reason I cried every day on the way to pre-school.  I would miss my shows.  After seeing pictures from last nights Daytime Emmy's, I see why I stopped watching Soap Opera's...until August 11th- Welcome back Brenda!

I understand that the Emmy's, being held in Vegas, is a chance for the stars to go a bit overboard.  But these three ladies, should just jump ship now.  In fact the Treasure Islands ship is docked all day long-head on over ladies!

Let's start with the two ladies from 'Young and the Restless'.  You have earned your show worst dress-CONGRATS!!!  Michelle Stafford (left), your 45-years old, act like it. You should not be missing parts of your dress-and you have chest crack.  And Sharon Case (middle), your so cute on the show, what the heck happened?  You have bulges in places you shouldn't have them and is your dress bunched around the hips? How do either of you expect to keep Nick Newman if you look like this.  And Rebecca Buding (right) from 'All My Children'-there are no words. Looks like you took, what could of been a cute slip dress and put a crumbled skirt over it and wore jelly bracelets around your ankles.  I mean c'mon your newly single, live it up!

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Simple...there is no way to save these outfits.  Lets face it, none of these dresses are flatering at all.  And not worth the time to try and fix.

I mean this is like the Oscars for Soap Opera Stars, so stylists were definitely hired.  I know all these ladies dress much better on their shows, thank you wardrobe people.  Next time hire your wardrobe department, FIRE your stylists immediately and collectively BURN these outfits...and the shoes, yes I said it, especially you Buding!

Not Green with Envy

I have been waiting, hoping that one day my Prince Charming will come for me.  And here he is...NOT!  You don't know who he is do you?  Well don't feel bad, he's not really famous, busy mooching off the famous Kardashian Clan.  Which if we are honest with ourselves, what did they do for their fame?

Anyways its not about them its about Scott Disick here.  The "loser" boyfriend of the Kardashian daughter, Kourtney.  I didn't give him the title at all either, the show did, but compared to Lamar Odom and Reggie Bush (the other daughters husband/off-and-on again boyfriends), he was demoted quickly.  Sorry getting off subject again...

Hey Scott, get back on my Lucky Charms box!  Go find a rainbow and full fill your destiny of dancing around the pot of gold because you look like a leprechaun.

I am all about pinstripe suits, but mint green?  And in the daytime? With royal blue pants? So obviously you grew up in the Hampton's and you don't want any to forget it.  But your in LA, in the afternoon, not about to go a green tie affair.  Please dress accordingly. 

Hmmm, how to fix the outfit?

Well first pick a color pallet and then go with another one.  This green may not your best color and that should be noted and filed away for another day.  But if your gonna try and rock the green suit, own it, and go all the way with the pinstripes. I wouldn't of gone with another patterned tie.  And if your going to a dinner and you want to dress up a bit, don't you know Hollywood is all about the classy top half/denim clad bottom half?  Throw on some jeans, untuck the shirt and lose the tie...pronto!

I know you wouldn't even think about a stylist, although your girlfriend does own clothing stores, you should consider hiring her to help out. So for today, spend some time looking in the mirror (although I am sure you do that enough) and FIRE yourself for the day!

Red, White and...Yellow?

Ok, I am going to preface this with saying that some people (US Weekly) seemed to have thought this was a great outfit and showed ways to copy the look.  But this isn't their site, so I am going to move forward with my thought process.

Although this dress is a huge step up from what 'Gossip Girl' cast member Jessica Szohr usually wears... I am still not a fan.  And I don't like your dress either, just kidding. 

Wearing red on a red carpet affair is risky enough, especially when its this red/orange color; Generally its more accepted to go darker red.  And I am not a fan of wearing white shoes with a red dress, that is not a approved shoe color. And the gladiator shoe look does not even go with the style of the dress.  It is not okay to reach in the closet, even if they are Louboutins, and grab the first thing you see. And while I understand trying to throw in a fun pop of color with the yellow clutch, but it just doesn't go.  This whole outfit is a mishmash of too many different styles.

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

The shape of the dress is fine, I actually like that.  Its a little too ruffly and sparkly at the same time, so I would say pick one.  I would keep the ruffles around the neck and de-sparkle (that is a technical term-very advanced).  Scrap the shoes ASAP-a classic peep toe pump would compliment the dress.  Maybe in tan, silver, black, heck even the same red color.  And then use a clutch with a bit of bling to add fun. 

And Jessica, surely you can spend 15 minutes to get a  spray tan.  Your legs look tan but what is going on in the chest area.  Shouldn't your body be all one color? 

All and all, I don't like the outfit, but I think your stylist, (who is probably someone from Gossip Girl) didn't do a terrible job.  Again I have seen worse from you.  And the dress could probably be salvaged and not sent to the flame thrower.   So for this particular day, unless you want to say it to yourself,  I say there is no need to BURN or FIRE!

Feather of a Different Color

Okay, this is going to be a short one, because I think a picture is worth, in this case, a gazillion words.  'Eclipse' will be one of the biggest films of 2010-not hard to predict.  I mean c'mon I saw the line opening night for 'New Moon.'  Okay, so I was in the line, but that isn't the point.  Nikki Reed was certainly sent tons of  free dresses from every designer, had stylists begging to dress her and this is what she chose? 

Nikki, Big Bird wants to know why you wore his girlfriend to the premiere? 

I mean this is your big starring role, you have more than a few lines in this movie, at least according to the book it would seem that way.  Whoops, did I just slip that I read the book as well.  Well we are way past that people-focus on the dress. 

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I think if the skirt was a bit longer...? A different color...?  Maybe if the shoes had some more pizazz...?  Well someone got one thing right, no accessories, would of been entirely too much with all that.  Someone may have saved their job. 

I am all for having fun, but I would say to this Cullen Family member, your stylist can live to see another day. This dress, not so much.  BURN it!

Liar Liar...Pants on Fire

You know when your a kid and you dream about showing up for the first day of school naked?  No I didn't have those either.  Okay how about when your being chased by paparazzi...Oh wait, that doesn't happen to me either.  But if either of those happened,  I would be much more aware of the fact that I left my pants at home. 

Taylor Momsen, we get it, your a sixteen and your broody.  You are a serious musician in a band, one that I have never heard of.   Regardless it doesn't give you the excuse to leave the house without your knickers.  Thigh-high tights, bottoms they do not make.  And as for the shoes, Duckie from 'Sixteen Candles' called and wants his shoes back. 

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Step one: Put on Shirt

Step two: PUT ON PANTS!

Is there really a point in trying to save this outfit?  No not really.  We get it Taylor, you want to be a badd-ass rock star, like...well you seem to be chanelling Courtney Love. That you are only in the business for the love of the music. And that this silly Gossip Girl fame (that is by the way what allowed you to become famous enough to put out a record) is not for you.  And finally, I understand that this outfit (did I mention you forgot pants) is supposed to make us forget that your were Cindy Lou Who in 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas.'  And how you were so cute and loveable.  Crisis averted.

I can safely say for 100% that this was not a stylists debacle. So Taylor, Lil J, Jenny Humphrey, Cindy Lou Who or whoever else you seem to be referred to as, this one is ALL yours.  I will send a few dollars for you to buy yourself some pants and lighter fluid.  Get a stylist, put the new clothes on and use your cigarette lighter to BURN!!! 

New Mom Jeans?

I will be the first to admit, I added  fuel to the 'Jessica Simpson Mom Jean' fire.  Not because she looked fat, but they were not in the least bit flattering to her figure.  Okay, she did look a little big boned.  But I can say that, I have hips, I am "hippy," but I know what to and not to wear. (Stacy and Clinton, if your hiring, I am looking.)  However, apparently Tina Fey has not learned that lesson.

I am officially going on the record, to the few that may read this, if you see me in a one piece jumper such as this...KILL ME!  Call the assassin, a henchmen, heck even the mom from the Murdering Mom Texas Cheerleader Scandal, but do not let me leave the house in something like this.  Not only does this lovely navy number accentuate her hips, which I don't think she has large ones to begin with, but the length of the bottoms shorten her up drastically. 

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I do not think lengthening the pants would help.  The top is okay enough, I guess I would cut the bottom half almost all the way off and try to make some sort of skort.  Ah, remember the days of skorts?  You know a skirt and a short (pretty self explanatory people).  The shoes are okay enough and even the bag, throw on a chunky necklace and it will be a vast improvement.

Red Carpet generally equals stylist.  And Tina Fey is someone with definite financial opportunity to hire the very best.  Maybe she should spend less time impersonate Sarah Palin and more time reading a fashion magazine to be able to know when she's getting hosed.  However this is not the worst I have seen and probably not the worst to come.  I say have a firm sit down talk with your stylist, buy a subscription to 'In-Style' and take this outfit and immediate BURN!!!

Where's the Hat?

Growing up in the 80's, yup I am aging myself, I was a HUGE Punky Brewster fan.  I do believe there was a halloween costume mixed in there somewhere throughout the years.  I too wanted that apple cart bed and to this day, blame my crazy sock habit on her.  With that all said....what's with the wicked witch dress?

According to IMDB.com, Soleil Moon Frye is 5'1". Let's be fair, I don't even think she is that tall. Everyone knows you add on a couple inches in the height when you need to. Aside from the fact that this dress is obviously too long and the skirt not "poofy" enough, this angle makes her looks like a munchkin from Wizard of Oz.  The black tights and pointy shoes only makes me want to ask her, "Hey Punky, where is your broom?" 

Originally I started to look for premiere pictures of Katherine Heigl's new 'Mom' hairdo and found this picture at the 'Killers' movie premiere.  (Punky's Husband is Ashton Kutchers producing partner-I too wondered why the heck she was there.  Problem Solved)  But this dress could not be ignored.  And assuming this mother of two, thought this could be a big night out, there may have been a stylist involved. 

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I would try and bunch up the ruched midsection of the dress to shorten it.  Then try and add a short petticoat underneath the bottom of the skirt to add volume.  Finally remove the dark tights/nylons, whatever you want to call them and throw away. 
So maybe a broom or hat or some sort of accessory would of detracted from the witchyness (is that a word?) of this dress, I gotta say this to Soleil:

"Dear Friend-This is not a fashion trend I would ever consider copying from you.  This is saying a lot, because I do believe I may have a sun ponytail hair clip lying around in my old room at my parents, but please listen to me when I say this.  Please go to your stylist and FIRE."

-Your Friend Nicole

Trash Regardless...

I was recently watching an episode of  MTV's 'The City', I know that is a whole other issue, but the episode was all about styling Ke$ha.  And apparently Ke$ha likes garbage bags and I mean...LOVES garbage bags, to wear. She wanted to design a dress for an awards show out of garbage bags, but her "people", i.e. stylists, said no.  It wasn't as she stated "classy: enough.  I cannot agree more.

Now I realize wearing trash  bags may not appeal to me or most people, but apparently Ashley Olsen can hop on board with Ke$ha. In all fairness, I suppose its supposed to be a trench coat, in NYC, in June.  And I already checked the weather report, there was no rain.  But all I can think of is trash bag or hot air balloon?  Doesn't she even have a clothing line with her sister, Mary-Kate?  Does this mean Mary-Kate is the brains in the duo? 

Not only is the jacket too long and way too big, but it has absolutely zero structure.  The girl is maybe 5-feet tall and 90 pounds soaking wet.  So whose "jacket" is she wearing, because boyfriend Justin Bartha isn't much bigger.  Could it be a parachute? I don't even need to go after the horrific size 6 shoes, most likely some fancy designer (which I can generally get behind) or the head wrap.  Why all the covering up?  I looked it up, Ashley was #37 in the 2007 Maxim Hot 100 edition, #28 a year later.  Well in year 2010, she wouldn't make the top 1000.  What would Danny Tanner think? 

Hmmm, how to save the outfit? 

Starters, I would cut about the bottom 2 feet off of the jacket.  Remove the headband and try to fashion a belt out of it to synch the waist.  Perhaps with the dress shorter the shoes will improve, but why does she look like she is wear socks?  Maybe she should just go barefoot.

As much as I would like to blame a stylist, which by the way, I am available for consultation, I believe this was all her doing.  So take the jacket and the shoes and throw them in a trash bag and...BURN!