What Bad Dresses do to Bad Dressers

There are certain people who want to be considered quirky.  I get it. But there is a time and place.  And after almost 2 weeks, this outfit still drives me so crazy that I felt I should just post something about it to alleviate my annoyance of it...if not only as a "PLEASE NEVER DRESS LIKE HER" warning.

Lena Dunham wore this to the 2014 Emmy Awards. My first question (because there are a lot) was were flamingos hurt in the making of this dress?  And why a collared shirt?  Ugh....although her look in the picture pretty much mirrored my face when seeing this on the computer.

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I am not even going to ask how to save this outfit...cuz I can't really see this is possible to fix.  And at a big huge event like the Emmy's where your show 'Girls' was no doubt nominated for awards, you chose to wear this? Or better yet, chose to allow your fashion consultants to let you where this?  I would FIRE them all, as I am pretty sure I have never seen a outfit I like you in.

But not to seem completely heartless...I will Google it and see if I can find an acceptable outfit.  Please hold (cue Jeopardy Music)...


ALAS, a outfit I do not hate:

See in this Glamour magazine article, a simple navy blue pleated dress.  Very cute, very simple with maroon ankle strap heels.  Classic.  Why does she feel the need to wear these outlandish outfits?  And worse yet, why do her fashion mavens allow it.  I wouldn't allow it if she was one of my friends, or other people I help dress.

But I do feel better about finding her in something respectable-like.  It gives me hope that one of these awards shows, she will simple do better!

ALERT: Missing Pants found...WITHOUT the owner in them

Do not be alarmed...well maybe a little bit.  Rihanna did not really lose her pants, I guess she just chose to go without them.  But I guess at this point we are lucky she put anything on?  And here is another celebrity (see previous examples of Christina Aguilera who was seen on 'The Voice' sans bottoms) who have believe underwear make acceptable outerwear.  

And no she isn't on the way to the beach and this is just a fancy cover up. She thought her scallop-edges black underwear and sheer dress would be enough.  Even we don't need to be Superman with x-ray vision to know this isn't what should be worn in public. And does anyone think Crazy Gypsy Lady too? Its the hair right? Please don't cast a curse on me for writing this...

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I don't think you even need to like fashion to get this one right.  Say it with me...WEAR BOTTOMS.  That you can't swim in.  A short mini skirt, short shorts, heck even boy shorts would of been better than this.  I am not saying she can't pull this off, but should she?

So Rihanna, I am gonna say that even while you may be on vacation, you shouldn't relax too much and skip proper dressing etiquette.  Somewhere, Joan Rivers would of had a field day with this on her celeb fashion show.  RIP in Joan...your fashion jokes (although pre-written) many times were hilarious and true.  So Rihanna BURN this outfit, its not cute at all...you have got plenty of money to buy something anything else!

NO Homie is better than THIS Homies

I will confess, which I have before in this blog, that I don't always leave the house in my greatest outfits.  However for an appointment, especially a doctors appointment, I might step it up a bit.  This is Pete Wentz and his pregnant girlfriend Meagan Camper on the way to a doctors appointment.  Now yes, Meagan is gonna have to trade in her vintage sweatshirt, which I can appreciate, for a gown...Pete is not. 

However the casual clothes isn't what grabbed my attention, it is the 'Homies' across the crotch.  Is this the male version of PINK sweatpants by Victoria's Secret?  Personally I don't really enjoy writing across a part of my body that no one should be really looking at in public.  But maybe this is a shout out to his "little homies?"

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Maybe solid black shorts would of been a safer bet.  But not sure that is really Pete's style.  I couldn't even find these on the Homies website, so that is probably saying something.

Pete, next doctors appointment, leave the Homies shorts at home.  Meagan. while he is gone BURN his shorts, or in the future get used to people staring at his little homie...or big homie.  (Why, what have you heard?)

Couldn't Anyone of Helped a Brother Out?

I came to the realization, as I fast forwarded through this last weekends MTV Movie Awards, I might be a little too old to continue to watch this.  But why not skip through 2 hours of 'Hunger Games' loving and watch the few key items I wanted to see.  1) The Paul Walker Tribute 2) Eminem with Rihanna singing Monster and 3) Channing Tatum receiving the illustrious Trail Blazer Award.  Okay so maybe that wasn't my intention, but those were pretty much the three things I watched.

During the Speech

But as I sat thinking how cute Channing was, something really bothered me.  Jonah Hill, co-star in 21 and 22 Jump Street, presented the award to "Chan."  (Side note: I have also decided I own enough of his movies, I get to call him Chan too) But while he was, we will call it, roasting Channing, he set the award on some steps that were covered in soot.  So when Channing finally got the award, his black jacket was a mess. 

The whole 3 minute or so speech, I found myself watching to see how bad it got.  And waiting to see if his wife Jenna would try to point it out to him.  Not sure how, but isn't it your duty to try? I mean you are married to Channing Tatum. I would of.  Anyways front and back the poor guy covered his jacket in the ashy mess.

After the Acceptance

Now while this isn't a typical "Hmmm, how can we save the outfit" post, I was kinda shocked to see that even backstage, while taking pictures with the wife, it was still all over him.  Couldn't anyone of helped him out?  Surely wardrobe was backstage to help with "wardrobe malfunctions."  Alas, this did not happen and the soot filled photo ops continued.

Oh well, maybe I am just a little overly-sensitive about it.  But wondered if anyone else sat at home wondering, "Couldn't anyone of helped a brother out?"  Too bad you didn't marry me Chan...maybe next time.  (I'm Kidding)

Save the Hat for your Private Island...Or next Tim Burton Film

Apparently hats are the hip new thing.  Pharrell wore a Mountie hat to the Oscars and now Johnny Depp wore one to this weekends MTV Movie Awards. (In all fairness he did also wear one in the 2012 awards when he played with the Black Keys) However, you will notice one huge difference in Mr. Depp's hat this year....the giant torn portion down the middle.

I mean let us be honest here Johnny, if anyone can afford a hat, sans tear, its you.  YOU OWN YOUR OWN ISLAND!!!  And its not a teeny tiny one either, its 35-acres, so remote you have to fly into and then take what else?  Your own private yacht of course to get there. The asking price was $3.5 million dollars, so I am pretty sure you can afford several hats. Even one that is not ripped apart.

(Want to know who else owns their own islands?  Here ya go: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/26/private-islands_n_2365359.html)

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

DON'T WEAR A HAT RIPPED DOWN THE MIDDLE!!!

Obviously Johnny Depp is a little eccentric.  You would have to be with some of the roles he has been cast in. And all those Tim Burton films, would drive anyone a little crazy.  But c'mon no one could tell him, "Do not wear that Hat."  So BURN the hat and buy a new one...pretty sure you are good for it.

Hardly EAR-esistible...even for a Kardashian

Kendall Jenner

Coachella never fails to turn out some unforgettable fashion for me.  In fact, it is generally so bad that I try to stay away from the pictures.  But what can I say, curiosity got the best of me.  And lookie lookie what I found...

Yup Kendall Jenner is wearing a nose ring that connects to her ear via a chain.  Now, not that that wasn't strange enough, but did she really need to have such a large piece in her nose?  Surely it might of been a bit better if the larger portion was connected to her ear.  Kinda makes you wonder was is attached to her ear.  (Never mind-I don't even want to know)

Now I know technically she is a Jenner.  But lets face facts, she is all Kardashian and attempting to follow in the shadow of her three more famous siblings.  And again, as a Kardashian, her decision making skills should be called into question.  (I wont even make a list-I don't think I even need to!)

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Jennifer Lopez

I like the tennis shoes, we all love a good pair of chucks.  And while I am not a fan of the rest of the outfit, it goes with the "Hippie-Dippie" of Coachella.  But the nose ring....it is unacceptable.

As someone who is an up-and-coming model and obviously trying to stay in the spot light, while this may get you some attention-it might not be the kind you want.  But BURN the earring and move on kid!  (And might as well throw in the Bandanna too-who are you Jennifer Lopez?)

Another Macklemore Sighting...Stick to the Original

Is this the new fad in Men's hair fashion?  If so I am not a fan.  It works for the Indie Rapper Macklemore, but he is a performer.  Why is Britney Spears's Ex-boyfriend walking around trying to copy his hairdo?

I know TMZ focused on his gut, but hey I mentioned Brad Pitts attempt and he is way more famous than this guy...Jason Trawick (who doesn't even have a Wikipedia Listing, he has to steal Brit Brit's.)  He is her agent for those of you wondering...AWK-WARD!!!

Clothes Not Worthy of a 100 Million Bucks

"Hipsters" is a term that is thrown around pretty regularly these days. We all know the usual Hollywood examples (Zoeey Deschanel, Shia LaBeouf, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, James Franco, Jared Leto, Michael Cera, etc.) and of course the Olsen Twins should be included in that list.  No one wears baggy thrift shop clothes like those two.  But seriously, per several websites, Ashley and Mary-Kate's fortune is worth at least...AT LEAST...$100 Million. And they have chosen to walk around LAX airport in these outfits?

Now these are teeny tiny twenty-seven-year-olds (I know these kids grow up so fast) and the over sized black jackets, sweaters swallow them up.  And lets face it, we are in the middle of a heatwave and water drought in California, I doubt you really needed these coats.

To dig deeper into their love affair of bohemian bagginess, I looked into the definition of a Hipster and here is an edited version of what the Urban Dictionary said:

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter... Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too "edgy" for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer.  Despite misconceptions based on their aesthetic tastes, hipsters tend to be well educated and often have liberal arts degrees, or degrees in maths and sciences, which also require certain creative analytical thinking abilities. Consequently many hipsters tend to have jobs in the music, art, and fashion industries.

So lets see Women in their 20's and 30's-check. Seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashion-check check. Tight-fighting jeans and thick rimmed glasses-check check check. Job in music, art and fashion industries-check check check check.  That is a lot of checks, but does it make it okay for them to wear these types of clothes...even if they can afford much better?

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

I guess it is not our question to ask.  If I was worth $100 million would I wear these outfits?  Absolutely not.  But they are doing something right since I don't think either of them act on a regular basis and yet are still in the public eye.  (We will ignore Beastly).  But girls, it is okay to wear some form fitting clothes.  I understand the love of black, but the clothes can at least fit you.  BURN the parkas and come out in the sun...

(Side Note: I will say that certain examples in the 'Hipster' definition apply to me as well...not sure how I feel about that.  I will keep you posted.  But I mean my new favorite online is Modcloth.com)

Not the 'Same Love' for Brad Pitt

I am gonna make this short and sweet...

 

 

 Hey Brad Pitt, Macklemore wants his hair back!!!

Just Sayin'...Not loving it Brad.

Someone Call Olivia Pope...These Outfits need Fixing

Well the one thing I learned from this weekends SAG Awards...bare mid-drifts are back.  Yay?  Although I do think the dresses seem to be a bit better than the People's Choice Awards outfits, there were a couple that made me scratch my head.  For example, Kerry Washington's pink and black top and skirt ensemble.

Kerry Washington

(Spoiler Warning: Huge Scandal Fan)
Generally I am a fan of pink and black, I mean how can you go wrong.  But this Vera Wang (sorry Vera) number just didn't make my day.  In fact it kinda made me cringe, and not because a pregnant lady is showing her belly, it was just odd.  And can the skirt waistline across the belly really be comfortable?  And the top, looks like it was too tight for her and so they had to rip apart the stitching.  I do like her hot pink purse though...and that is about it.

Mayim Bialik

And staying with the pink and black trend, Mayim Bialik's outfit may be even worse.  In fact, not may be..it is worse.  YOWZA.   This could be one of the ugliest dresses I have ever seen.  Is she 80-years-old?  I am sorry to be mean, that isn't fair to the 80-year old.  The dress could of been a bit better without the black lace top, a shawl could of been better than this too.  Besides the lace, there isn't really much to the dress in way of accessories, making it even more boring.  Hopefully the show was better than her dress.

Hmmm, how to save the outfit???

Well, for Mayim, I guess I would take off the black lace portion and add some accessories. I do like how the front seems a bit shorter, but I think she has basic black pumps on.  So maybe a hipper shoe that matches her jewelry or clutch.  For Kerry, I just don't like it.  The skirt is probably fine, but the top just doesn't work for me.  Heck maybe Mayim's top would look better on her than the pink sequined top.  Kerry and Vera...I just hoped for more.

All and all, not a great night for either of these two ladies.  I would tell both to BURN the dresses.  Kerry usually has much better outfits, so I will give her a slide on this one, although she is now (unbeknownst to me) a two time offender.  If only her 'Scandal' wardrobe people dressed her, cuz Olivia Pope's outfits are amazing...especially her gowns on the show.  And Mayim, you were already on 'What not to Wear' and if this continues, you may want to FIRE your people and hire Stacy and Clinton!


Burn, Baby, Burn...

Well I have had a few days to process the Golden Globes (which none of the shows or people I watch won again...ugh maybe that is whole different issue) and am ready to say a few words.  In an effort to get my blogging going again in 2014 I have decided today is the day. So here goes:



Paula Patton

I will stay away from Julia Roberts black dress with what looks like a collared shirt underneath it.  And I will not mention Sandra Bullocks ugly color blocked blue, black and pink dress.  And I will excuse Drew Barrymore's floral nightmare dress, as she is with child.  And lets face it, that can't be easy to maneuver with a belly.  (See: Kerry Washington's dress for the How-to)

Zoe Saldana

I went with the best of the worst...or worst of the worst?  I guess its definitely in the eye of the beholder...they be-holding some ugly dresses (haha). Let's start with Paula Patton.  I said it during the show and I will say it now, "She looks like a floral arrangement." She looked terribly uncomfortable while presenting, but then wouldn't you with giant orchid fluff by your face.  At least its not multiple colors like the theme seemed to be this year.  Can you imagine this color blocked?  Good because now I can too!

Lena Dunham

Let's move onto Zoe Saldana's wardrobe malfunction.  Oh wait that is what the dress was supposed to look like?  Seriously?  It looks like her stylists sewed several dressed together to make this.  Its pretty bad, even if the straps are supposed to fall down the side.  And for a dress with so much going on...its really just kinda boring.

And finally Lena Dunham.  You may be a critics darling...but gosh darn are you a terrible dresser.  I am simply going to leave you with this picture...cuz I am pretty sure it says it all.  Even she looks appalled by her outfit selection.

Hmmm, how to save the outfit?

Pretty sure its not one of those posts...I will state that I expected more from Zoe and Paula.  If not from them at least their style teams.  As for Lena, I think that is actually about right. 

I would BURN all of these dresses and start over.  And probably Julia's, Sandra's and Drew's while I was at it. Burn, Baby...Burn!!!